The Great Crusade of Quinn the Red
by Zetor
Summary: The Fashion Club's day at the beach takes a turn for the ridiculous when the new dieting drink Tiffany heard about has some unintended side effects.


The summer sun shone down on Lawndale's beach, warming the sands and water to just the right temperature for all students of Lawndale high, now free from their studies for the summer. The Lawndale High Fashion Club was taking a refreshing break from looking fabulous on the beach and instead honoring the Groovy Beach Shack with their presence.

"Stacy, remind me again why we are visiting such a run-down establishment?" Sandi Griffin, president of the Lawndale High Fashion Club, asked imperiously. She was wearing a dark red bikini with a matching sarong and a scowl that took away any attractiveness the outfit offered.

"Well, Sandi, Tiffani mentioned that her cousin knew about a special drink on the secret menu that's supposed to help you lose weight," the meek secretary Stacy Rowe rattled off as quickly as she could while still being understandable. Her pale blue one piece suit matched her perfectly, hiding her body as much was fashionably possible just like she hid from life.

"Yeah," Tiffany, the treasurer, added, contributing about as much as she usually did. She was clad in the most uncomplicated green bikini she could find, it just made things so much easier, even if it did take forever to put on for some reason she could never figure out.

"Well, let's try it then," said the fourth member, vice president Quinn Morgendorffer with an eager smile. Her light pink halter top bikini and sarong combo was daringly cute, and just like its wearer it gave young men a promise of something wonderful without ever actually showing them what they wanted.

Sandi waved over a waiter and said, "We'll have four of your—" She turned to Stacy.

"Mad Hoppers," Stacy clarified.

"Yes, those," Sandi said haughtily.

The tall scraggly man eyed the girls doubtingly. "Are you sure that's what you want?"

"Are you trying to tell me I don't know what I want? I ordered four Fad Poppers—"

"Mad Hoppers," Stacy corrected.

"—and I will get them."

The man through up his hands and stepped back from the teenage diva. "Hey, no problem man. They'll be right out."

"Thanks," Quinn called after him with a flirty wave.

"Well he's certainly not getting a tip," Sandi said folding her arms and trying to scowl even harder.

After a brief wait, the waiter returned with four tall glasses of an opaque purple liquid. Stacy turned to Tiffany, who was entranced by her reflection in the glass, and asked, "Are you sure this is a diet drink, it looks—" she sniffed her glass and wrinkled her nose "—and smells weird."

"My coouussin said the trip he haad it on was the beesst eveeerr. Whaaats better than looossing weight?" Tiffany slowly replied.

"Well said Tiffany. What else could be more important? Come ladies, let us toast to our new thinner selves," Sandi said, raising her glass. Everyone joined her and they all began to imbibe the purple potion.

As they drank, Sandi's eyes started to dart around the room, flitting to Quinn and then moving away just as quickly several times. "Enemies," she muttered under her breath, "Enemies everywhere." Suddenly she stood up and slapped her hands to the table, shouting, "I know you're there! I can see you! I know you're watching me! You'll never get me! You hear me! Never!" With that, Sandi ran into a circular rack of Hawaiian shirts and hid in the middle, pulling the shirts together in front of her like a curtain. The employees shared a knowing look and quickly headed to the back to grab certain ingredients and leave quietly.

Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany watched their friend with very different expressions. Tiffany followed her path until she ran past a manikin and then stopped. "Heee'ss cute," she said, and rose to approach the manikin.

Quinn wore a look of disdain tinged with fear. She turned to Stacy, and in a hushed voice asked, "Did you see that witch! Such a creature in my lands, I can't believe it. I would need a score of men to defeat such a fiend."

Stacy bore a confident smirk. "Ha, I could do it with less than a dozen."

"Are you a warrior then?" Quinn asked, leaning forward.

"You could put it that way."

Quinn smiled, "Wonderful, I am in need of a Warlord, would you swear fealty to me? I can offer you great rewards."

"I need no rewards, I fight for honor and challenge."

"You will see much battle and will be the highest of my Warlords. Please, join me."

Stacy gave a hearty laugh, or at least her best approximation of one. "Very well, you've won me over. What should I call you?"

Quinn stood and curtsied, which is an impressive feat when you only have a sarong to work with. "You may call me Empress Quinn the Red."

Stacy lowered her head in respect. "What is our first move Empress?"

"We must recruit troops. No matter how powerful a warrior you may be, we will need others to defeat the witch."

"Allow me to lead the way," Stacy said rising and leading Quinn out onto the beach. Not long after they began their search they came upon Brittany Taylor and Kevin Thompson, thoroughly enjoying each other. Stacy sized them up. "This man looks suitable Empress."

Brittany detached from Kevin and eyed the other girls. "Are you trying to steal my Kevie again?"

"Ha! I can have any man I desire. Surely I can do better than _that_ ," Quinn said derisively.

Stacy's eyes traveled up and down Kevin's body, clad only in red swim trunks, appreciatively. "I don't know my lady, he is quite a specimen."

Quinn giggled. "Take him if you wish, Warlord. It is your right."

"Right! Who do you think you are you little fashion girl?" Brittany asked angrily, stalking towards Quinn.

"I am the Empress Quinn the Red! Warlord, show this woman her place!"

Stacy leapt at Brittany, causing her to real back and fall onto the sand. She quickly recovered and grabbed the brunette's pig tails, pulling hard. Undaunted, or perhaps spurred on, Stacy let out a war cry and head-butted the cheerleader beneath her. The blow caused Brittany to let go of her hair, but the blonde wasn't out of the fight yet. She rolled over and pinned Quinn's Warlord beneath her, smiling triumphantly until Stacy managed to get a hand free and grab a pigtail, returning the favor from before.

As the brawl continued, Quinn, Kevin, and several other young men who had gathered watched on, enjoying the show. Eventually, when it was clear there would be no victor anytime soon, Quinn imperiously raised a hand and ordered, "Men separate these valiant warriors! They would do better to serve me together." A couple of the men shrugged and, with some difficulty, pulled the grappling women apart. Leaning toward the still struggling Brittany, Quinn asked, "Would you serve as my warrior, defeating my enemies and enforcing my laws? I can promise you all the spoils of paradise in return."

Brittany, who had taken several blows to the head and was having trouble keeping the beach from spinning, stopped struggling and, with a squeak and a happy grin, said, "Um, okay!"

"Wonderful! Servants, release my warriors so that they may continue to fight for me!" The men holding Stacy and Brittany shrugged again and let the girls go.

Stacy bowed to Quinn and said, "Empress, with these forces—" she waved an arm indicating the crowd that had grown around them "—we should have enough to destroy that place and the witch that occupies it."

Quinn nodded respectfully to Stacy and said, "I trust your judgment warlord." Turning to Brittany and the crowd of a dozen or so young men, Quinn proclaimed, "Hear me, my loyal subjects! We go now, in my name, to liberate a land of great wealth. I am a kind queen. Those who fight with us will reap the spoils of battle. Those who desert will be allowed to live, but may never bask in the presence of myself or my court—" she swept her arms to indicate Stacy and Brittany "—again. Now, we march!"

"For Quinn!" Stacy cried, throwing up her right arm. The call and gesture was echoed by Brittany and the majority of the crowd, and they rushed en masse towards the Groovy Beach Shack.

Back at the Shack, Tiffany was progressing quite well with the display manikin. She had knocked it to the floor and somehow her top had made it onto the counter, which is impressive as it was some six feet away. She was now aggressively kissing it and trying to move its arm lower, which was difficult given it didn't bend that way.

Sandi was still secreted away in the rack of shirts, mumbling about traitors and plans. Occasionally she would peek out and quickly dart back in, her babbling renewing with greater vigor. It was during one of these peeks that her paranoia was validated by a strange horde of young men led by two crazy eyed young women rushing at her screaming, "Get the witch!"

At this point reason gave up and went home. Most of the young men started looting the shack, meeting no resistance as the employees had left with their special ingredients some time ago. One of them met Tiffany and convinced her that he was a better kisser than a manikin and also had a more flexible arm; interestingly, they're still together. Kevin, Brittany, and Stacy subdued Sandi. She fought hard, but there was only one of her after all; Kevin had a hard time walking straight for a week though.

With Sandi bound and gagged with strips of Hawaiian shirt, the mob, or the Royal Guard as some prefer, raised Quinn up on a makeshift litter and went on to "liberate" four more business places along the beach before the police arrived and stopped them. To this day this incident is known as The Great Crusade of Quinn the Red, to the great annoyance of certain individuals.

One last interesting note is the fact that the substance imbibed by the young ladies of the fashion club should have worn off long before the police arrived. Make of that what you will.

* * *

 **Um, hi,**

 **So this one is silly. Very silly. Maybe too silly?**

 **It came from the challenge thread on the PPMB. The challenge included the fashion club imbibing hallucinogens, among other requirements. Many thanks to Anguirus1955 for getting me to write outside my comfort zone.**

 **So, is it too silly? Not silly enough? Utter tripe? Please let me know. Thanks for reading, as always.**


End file.
